Ladies and gentlemen, patron and patroness and every other individual finding themselves hanging desperately barside, their tongues dry in their mouth, itching for their next hit of Jaeger and red bull...
My name is Matthew, and I am your gracious bartender, yes, this bar has live music every night so you will need to speak up, you may need to get a little creative with your hands and I don't mind the occasional game of charades as we work out what it is you'll be drinking.
However, do not be ignorant now my friends, while things seem fine and dandy through the pot glass, and your draught may still seem half full, you may have already infringed several very important rules before you have become truly comfortable on top of that stool.
So as you are approaching that smiling lad/lady on the other side of the bar, you should consider these following laws, as it may be the difference between the kind love you will find in a well poured bourbon and coke or the cruel love that is the headlock of a seven foot Samoan bouncer.
1. Please. It is the simplest of bar rules. A please will get you that $2 pot if said graciously, but do not fall into the trap of expecting cheaper drinks for saying please, be kind, and your bartender will be kinder still.
2. Do NOT wave money, snap your fingers or shout at me to serve you. If you wave money at me, I may confuse the action for you wanting to tip me, if you click your fingers at me I may just think you are keeping beat to the tunes and if you slam the bar and yell I may believe you are drunk enough to think you can break the bar, and vandalism is not taken lightly here my friend.
3. If you knock yourself unconscious, spew, sleep or are bleeding from the face, it is time to call it a night, no questions asked.
4. Yes I am a straight guy, but lady, I care very little for your low cut top as I know you are getting drinks for your boyfriend in the beer garden. So do not start making a scene when I charge you like I do everyone else, I work here full time, you are barely a 6/10.
5. No Ed Hardy. It's just not as cool as you think it is.
6. Sure I may be a bartender, sure I know a fair bit of heavy stuff goes on here, but I do not care where you come from, I will not sell you drugs, not all of us do that.
7. I work here from wednesday through til sunday, every night I watch four bands and have done this since I started working here last January, so I don't care what band you are in, I have seen better and you're not getting anything else on your rider.
8. Do not think just because you are a hard drinker that I will keep serving you as you are slowly declining into complete liver shut down. This is in fact one of the main reasons I have stopped serving you. "But I have been drinking here all night!" is not an acceptable argument, it is a partial reason to stop.
Finally, there is nothing quite so distasteful as a lady coming up and asking for a free drink, number one way to put off that bartender who you thought you had under your thumb all night.
These aren't hard lessons by any means, but any seasoned punter knows these are the vital lessons that must be learned to be that girl or guy who is invited for the lock in, or who get to share a tequila with the bartender or who simply won't find themselves being escorted outside by five brutes with 300 IQ points between them.
This concludes today's lesson, go in peace to love and serve your pub.