I believe that this competition would be a brilliant way of me to get my name noticed. But just incase it doesn't happen, I have a back up plan!
I am going to get the Bureau of Meterology to name a cyclone after me, foolproof!
Now apparently all you have to do to make this happen is to write them a letter, I believe it shall go a little something like this:
Dear Bureau of Meteorology,
My name is Tali, and I am writing to ask that you name a cyclone after me. I can attest to you that I have had my name for twenty-two years and it seems to fulfil its purpose. I am sure it won’t let you down.
I imagine your process of selecting names for a cyclone is akin in comparison to when a mother has a baby and she tries to find a name that suits the child. Bureau of Meteorology I understand. These cyclones are like your children that you goo and gah over. Albeit that they are probably more like an unexpected illegitimate love child from a previous flame that you never knew existed that has arrived on your doorstep and has begun terrorising your house rendering any plans to baby proof you house as futile. Sure it has left the neighbours less than impressed by the damage that it has managed to cause and sure they would have loved adequate warning, but, it's your baby. And if Corey Worthington's parents can still find love for him than i understand that no matter what, you love your baby.
All I’m asking is that you name your child after me.
As the prospective parent/namesake of a cyclone you will probably want to know the justifications and motives behind why I think I deserve a cyclone named after me. In essence, I think it comes from a deep deprivation of never being able to buy personalised merchandise. While the other girls in my primary classes could utilise their personalised stickers of “Steph” or “Rachel” or “Jess” I was left to adorn my belongings with stickers that merely said “Awesome.” Quite frankly, it was just never the same. I thought it was just a primary phase that would soon depart in favour for the next fad, but it did not seem to be this way. During 2000 there was a boom in the personalised merchandising sector and all of sudden the more popular names wound themselves onto key rings, drink bottles, beanie babies and hair brushes. Once again the suppressed memories of the marketing world forgetting me had arisen. Maybe it would be different this time; maybe ‘Tali’ stickers had finally become popular by demand. I painstakingly checked the personalised items to see if my name had made it. But every time I searched there was a noticeable space between the Tabitha and the Tara and I knew that once again I had been forsaken. Oh cruel world, I thought to myself.
By naming a cyclone after me you will be able to make up for the years of nameless destitution. Perhaps, even, by naming the cyclone “Tali” you will put it out there in the public sphere and make the bastards who cater to What’s New and Hallmark finally acknowledge that the Tali’s of the world exist. Oh, Bureau of Meteorology it would mean so much. No pressure, though.
But I think that if we are going to put “Tali” out there we are going to have to cover some selection criteria for the type of cyclone it will be. “TalI” is already getting some bad press by the whole terrorism movement. Type in “Tali” in Google and you are inundated with pages about this not so pleasant organisation and one hit that references the Texas Association of Licensed Investigators (TALI). Yes, I think it is about time that people hear the word “Tali” that is not followed by the word “Ban.” So therefore I have some requirements of my cyclone that would mean ever so much if you adhere to them:
one. My cyclone cannot be mean. I’m thinking less menacing more a pleasant gust. I would like it to spread hope and wonder across the land and fill people with an unexplainable amount of joy. My cyclone will dance on rainbows, disperse lollies and go for non-threatening strolls along the beach.
two. My cyclone must be people friendly. I don’t want a cyclone that hurts humans. Can you just imagine the headlines announcing that Tali killed thousands of people? NO. My cyclone needs to be the Casper of the cyclone family.
three. If my cyclone does have a mean streak than it needs to suffer from performance anxiety, I need to know that when the going gets tough my cyclone starts slowing.
four. I want my cyclone to do handy things i.e. make the washing dry quickly; retrieve Frisbees from trees and power prismatic pinwheels.
five. I would like my cyclone to transport cows like the one in that movie Twister did. Except I want to be like Noah and take two of each animal.
six. I need my cyclone to know that destruction will not be tolerated. Bureau of Meteorology I give you permission to discipline my cyclone should need be. Aversion therapy perhaps. Just try to stay humane.
seven. If possible it would be greatly appreciated if my cyclone could be like the one from The Wizard of Oz and could transport people to alternative places of happiness and drop houses on wicked witches. Understanding the importance for compromise I would be willing to settle for a cyclone that takes people to get brains and hearts.
eight. It would be absolutely brilliant if my cyclone had the ability to stay stationary so I could use it as an amusement ride. Of course, Bureau of Meteorology I will cut you in on the profits.
In conclusion I think naming a cyclone after me would be the most brilliant thing that ever happened to you over there at the Bureau. Plus, I think once we get the cyclone going we could also franchise the name into other different natural diasters. Perhaps a volcanic eruptions or a tsunami or an earthquake or an avalanche. Really the sky and whatever falls from it is the limit!
Tali. (The person and hopefully the cyclone!)